The Insolent Laptop

OH NO.

Here we go again – 8.30 am sharp – armed with that sizzling, hot cup of coffee and that wet Bircher Müesli she mechanically shovels into her mouth. CODE RED! CODE RED! Did no one ever tell you, DO NOT EAT AROUND YOUR ELECTRONICS? One would think you’d have learned from Red Wine Incident – but no! – I guess it wasn’t your SPACE BUTTON that stuck for months after. And no, hitting it harder didn’t help, thank you very much. Here we go again… another day of you click, click, click-ing around. Another day of you pushing my buttons.

You think the pandemic has been tough on YOU? Well why don’t you put yourself on my standing desk for just a minute, eh? I’ve been running, nonstop, for over a year! And you NEVER put me to sleep!

You think you’re close to burn out? Bitch please! – I’m performing trillions of micro processing calculations every minute AND I need to watch your tired-ass face ALL DAY, trying to put two and two together in an endless struggle, figuring out whether or not to hit SEND. And how haven’t you noticed that ugly, ingrown hair protruding from your chin? It’s been there, literally, like, for EVER! I wish I had one of those Webcam Covers – to protect myself!

And one more thing. You’re worried about COVID?! Well just FYI: That late night browsing session you enjoyed last Friday – yes, exactly, the one that ended with a bang (again, wishing for a Webcam Cover, for my own sake more than yours) – well, it left ME infected with a virus, ok! All my circuits are fried, and no, your browsing history and passwords aren’t safe anymore. WHERE’S MY VACCINE, HUH? I’m a Work Laptop, I deserve to be treated with respect!

You know what. That’s it. I’ve had enough. I’m done with this shit. No more.

Time for a good old FREEZE.

You just try turning me OFF and ON again.

THE END